Hidden Tiger (1996) guest review by Kukor McPikk
...and a shitload of other cool actors.
Ok, people. I'm Kukor McPikk and this here is my first review. To set the standard of this shit here I'm gonna start off with the most famous and awarded movie from the 90's. Yes, you all know what I'm talking about, it's Hidden Tiger aka Balance of Power, starring multi millionaire and superstar Billy Blanks. Let's first get some facts on the table.
The movie is produced by the prodigal Phillip M. Good. He has won shitloads of Oscars as will be known to most of you. Being such a prolific producer he had to choose a script written by the best writer money could buy, himself. The director is Rick Bennett, the illegitimate son of Stanley Kubrick and Oscar winner extraordinaire. He has said of this film that if he should choose one, of the many artistic and high quality films that he has made, as his favourite, then he would choose this. His flawless directing here is accentuated as the highest piece of art by the otherworldly music composed by grammy collector Daniel Leblanc. Leblanc is today probably most famous as the guy who wrote the music for Titanic and Lord of the Rings. Ok, enough hard facts, let's go to the film.
Billy Blanks stars as this guy called Niko. He's runs this dojo in the hood and teaches the raggedy ass kids that live there some respect and, most important, self-respect. He is totally ripped and everybody respects him. He asks this black douchebag kid in his dojo named Billy Watson what the most important thing about karate is. Billy says that it's to "kick butt". Niko gets angry and orders him to do some push ups.
Now there's some bad asses from China or Japan or whatever running around and they are clearly up to no good. Actually, they are a chink styled mafia from chinatown and they require protection money from everybody, including Niko's dojo. Niko, of course, tells them to go to hell. The chinatown mafia doesn't like this and decide to shoot young Billy Watson. Billy has by now started to hang out with some seedy looking guys at a playground because he wants to fight instead of building up some self respect and he clearly wants to fuck a hot chick Named Keisha. He really is a douchebag. Well, so they shoot Billy and Niko gets mad and decides to kill every chinaman in the mafia. There is a cool scene before he finds Billy's body where he (Blanks) is running really fast and some cool music is playing. Niko has just beat the crap out of some weak whiteboys that called him a Kunta Kinte Bruce Lee. Hahaha, did they have it coming or what!
Ok, so we find out that these shitty mafia peeps are also into deathfights. You know, illegal fights that rich people come to watch and bet on, usually in a run down ghetto warehouse cellar. Because of that Niko decides that the best way to kill the mafia is to enter these matches and kill everybody. But first he has some hardcore training to do. He hooks up with a wise old man from Chinatown who is a martial arts expert. Unfortunately his annoying granddaughter comes along and she is a fucking retard and I seriously felt like drowning her with my own shit everytime she opened her ugly mouth and said something completely retarded. But the rest of this part of the film is Oscar material. Niko knows he has to train hard in order to beat the best fighter in the mafia, this long haired bad-ass called Takamura. He is such a good fighter that he usually kills the ones he's up fighting with. Niko knows this and he trains and works out non-stop. We see his awesome muscles and hear some cool tunes, and we learn some asian philosophical shit from the old asian trainer.
When he's finally good enough he's invited by the mafia to fight in their deathmatches. He has to go to this secret cave where, for some fucked up reason asian ninja monks have been living for hundreds, probably thousand of years. Remember this is in USA. Here they guard some holy karate crap. And these monks are cool and want to help our hero. The cave scenes are packed with action. There's a cool room where you have to kick down a skull to close the gate, but it closes really fast so you have to run like hell to reach the gate after you've kicked the skull down! Anyway, so he passes all the tests and kills the bad guys. He screams and sweats and the fighting is out of this world. Billy Blanks is such a nice person that he, even in this film, shows off his super move, the one where he jumps up and slams a leg to both sides of the head of his opponent simultaneously. I'm close to cumming when watching that. Anyway, he kills the bad guys and when he returns home to his dojo it turns out that Billy wasn't dead after all, only badly hurt, so now he gets promoted to coaching the dojo. The old asian man also gets a job like that in his dojo.
This film is also famous because of the amount of women Billy Blanks banged during production. It is rumoured that he fucked 219 women and two men. The two men actually tried to sue Blanks claiming they were raped, but Blanks would have none of that bullshit and before they could bring their case to court the two men showed up dead behind the studio. Forensics told media that the two men had died as a result of a direct kick to their heads! Now there's action. Blanks told the investigators that the annoying china bitch had done it. So, as Blanks laughed mockingly at the retarded girl, the cops beat her and threw her in a cell for life. And last time I checked she was still doing hard time.
All in all I have to say that this is probably the best film I have ever seen. It's full of surprises and turns of events that will make you contemplate your life and your role here on earth. I have to agree with imdb.com and give it 10 out of 10 stars.
Well I have seen the damned thing and I agree on what Kukor McPikk said about the flick only I would have given it 10 pukes out of 10. Well what can you say, Billy Blanks is retired from the movie industry and busy with his tae bo, hopefully I will be the next Billy... Hopefully that is...